This past season has been a time of a lot questioning.

Why can't we have a lot of Christians that can represent Christ?
Why can't we have people come to the church immediately when they're sick?
Why do we have to be delusional to be happy?
Why do we have to prove there's a God when the proof for life starting on its own is barely there itself?
Why do I rely on people so much?
What happened to some people? Change?

What i realized recently. is that one of the most effective tools the devil has against me is discomfort. When i was little. i was so afraid of demons and getting scissor-lock that i couldn't fall asleep a lot. after some time. that fear was diminished through God giving me comfort in His power and sovereignty. However, that wasn't a process that took up a span of a day. It took months of conditioning.
I'm so afraid of everything collapsing under me... that I won't allow God to take control of every aspect of my life. I know that He's God and that I need to give Him complete control, but I'm afraid He'll take away my family, my friends, my health. and i don't know if i can praise Him in the those kinds of storms. I don't know how long it'll take me to recover.
and to be frank... i don't know how much time i have.

God.
Help me to trust you.
Help me to surrender.
But be gentle.
I'm scared.
Appa.. I'm terrified of what could happen.
Help me to find solace in You alone.
Your daughter.

just so hard right now.